I realise the last time I posted on this platform was six years ago. 

Might as well use of this site as the source of my thoughts, rather than having to import them from elsewhere later. The idea is to have my site as the original digital  source for anything I publicly post. I have been productive, if not, very consistent with publications around my work.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to show up in the world as it stands now. Previously, my work focused heavily on mental health, the struggles and choppy waves of it. I have tried to think about my original motivations, and while I think I remember, I want to be clearer about that, or at least where I’m at in that moment.

The shadow of “AI” agents looms over me. I prefer to say “LLMs,” although considering pop culture headlines, it is probably best to use the relevant terms, so for brevity I’ll be referring to this as “AI” going forward.

(I feel compelled to state what feels self-evident here, but all that I post is opinion only. Trust AND verify, please and thank you. Happy to have respectful discourse and an opportunity to learn and expand my understanding. I try to educate myself, but I am also prone to moments of ignorance.)

As a creative person, I know I am caught between a rock and a hard place — that any work I create is likely being used as training material for agents. While the idea of copyright can feel somewhat nice, it also opens the door for artistic ownership to be awarded to the highest bidder — in other words, those who can afford the best lawyers are most likely to win the dispute. Additionally, artistic work is being used without consent in such enormous volume and reach, that artists often find out through happenstance, or when a friend reaches out.

For a while, I was all about AI. 

(I researched and put together a presentation on the history of it a while back. I’ll link it here, if you’re curious. All of the information is public domain, I mainly wanted to understand how it developed and where it is likely to go.) The information is from 2024, so the quality decay is somewhat less pronounced (plug links into https://archive.org/ if inactive). If you’d like me to go over this sometime, please email me or comment.

Then I learned about the environmental cost, the seeming strategy of data centre placement, the customer base, the labour to create a large scale Mechanical Turk under inhumane working conditions, both mentally and physically.

Understanding the environmental cost of using an AI agent to generate art, as well as the somewhat illicit and thrilling feeling of generating my likeness in the style of artists, (whose talent may have been once in a generation) began to feel like too high a cost for the results. Most companies utilising AI functionality either have no option to offset the additional environmental cost, or do not care to try or even investigate. An average query does the equivalent of pouring a bottle of fresh drinking water on concrete. That kind of economic privilege dictates data centre location, as does access to privacy.

Safety too, has become a significantly more pressing concern, both online and in-person. Remaining up-to-date on legislation, surveillance, OSINT, best security practices, browsers, permissions, protocols, algorithms, and understanding that in many cases, you are relying on a psychologically addictive system that interferes with your brain chemistry, (in particular dopamine) and monetises your habits for you and everybody to whom you are connected. Cognitive loafing due to LLM usage is an emerging field of study. We are surveilled at every opportunity. We have little to no control over our own likeness, biometric data storage, our creative work, without attempting to read terms and conditions with the understanding of a seasoned legal professional.

It’s my platform and I’ll rant if I want to.

I have been trying to figure out why I make art. The closest example of this is actually from an episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender, which is one of my favourite animated series. Highly recommend you watch it through, and it’s been out for long enough that I think spoiling a minor plot point in a single episode can get a pass now.

Anyway, for non-watchers, Zuko is a character who has special powers (firebending) and in one episode (“The Firebending Masters”), suddenly loses access to them. Standard form, no results. They didn’t just disappear though; his previous access to them simply no longer worked. Throughout the series, Zuko undergoes a profound personal metamorphosis of understanding and deconstructing his indoctrination and concept of honour. And in his growth, this reliance on rage to firebend no longer existed. In this case, of course, they go on a quest to meet the source of firebending, and…just go watch it.  

My point being here, was that in some ways I lost my clarity on my motivation to write music as VANCORVID. I used to want to go down into the darkness of the human soul and meet people down there, and let them know they’re not alone, like emotional pearl diving. However, I don’t think that is enough anymore, or at least, I think this concept is incomplete. I think I want to make music that heals people in some ways, either by giving them courage or solace. I want to make work that flows according to how I have experienced the world. I felt previously everything I had done was becoming narrowly focused on some very specific aspects of my mental state, and I wish to express a fuller spectrum. I imagine and hope that the right people will find me along the way.

Recently, I went on a digital detox retreat at a place called the Seed Lodge. It was a beautiful experience, and I committed to playing violin for 30 minutes every day, before I started the rest of the day. I am curious to see how I feel at the end of the 40 days.

I want to figure out ways to protect, or at least identify my work as coming from me first. There’s a line often said by folks (often non-musicians): “You should just play for yourself!” And sure, yes, in a perfect world. But I do want my work to be seen and heard and experienced. I want it to be able to help people. Candidly, the external validation does provide a significant degree of motivation. The issue arises when the work is primarily directed towards feeding an insatiable algorithm, instead of creating or evolving the creative work itself.

When did the frame become more important than the picture?

Why should creators meekly accept wholesale theft of their work by people who hoard wealth and refuse accountability at every turn, regardless of the devastation caused? Why does it feel like we are all sucked into a game in which we have no control and yet are the primary source? Sometimes I fear that not everyone that reads or watches dystopian sci-fi material has the same reaction, and/or understands the concerns therein. Or perhaps, worse, believes that they are the exception to the rule.

I intend to use this platform more frequently now, as I figure out ways to navigate the world as it currently stands. Depending on how I feel, I may start to tell stories of my more recent travels and such. Maybe some creative process stuff. Figuring out ways to discuss my work that don’t feel like being prey, walking into a den of predators has been illuminating. One step at a time.

If you want to see the type of books and material I have been reading over the last while, check out this link here.

Also, if you are coming here and we met recently, hi! And of course hi to my friends.

Thanks to Matt Ho for editing assistance!