12:12:12 Libra is just wrapped up, and the future shows are taking shape. 5 out of 12 so far.  Next up, Scorpio, bringing 12:12:12 to the halfway mark.

That said, this is far from an automatic process, and I’m never certain that I can keep up the monthly show pace. Part of the reason is that the last few weeks have hit me harder than I would have liked, and details are below.

A few weeks back, bird mites infested my apartment through the window. I didn’t know what they were up until then, but I sure do now. They’re an invasive, prolific species that multiple doctors, pharmacists and a dermatologist were unable to identify.

My building did next to nothing to address the issue. I ended up having to call in a pest control expert myself, naively under the impression that my building would reimburse me.

Unfortunately, they did not. I have had no choice but to raise a Landlord Tenant Board case file. I have a hearing scheduled in November. In the mean time I figured it was best to move.

During that time, I was cleaning so hard that I sliced a fingertip open and ended up in the emergency room a fortnight ago. It was terrifying and I lost functionality in my right arm for a while, thanks to that and a tetanus shot. (Get your boosters, EVERYBODY.) This meant that practicing and dealing with my apartment became even more difficult.

Two days before the show, a framed picture fell on my violin, snapping its neck. My most constant companion for over a decade. Not the first time it snapped, and no less heartbreaking than before.

Thankfully The Sound Post were amazing and sympathetic and loaned me a violin so I could play the show. (A very pale shadow of Paganini getting a loan of a violin for a show after gambling his away?) However, repair costs for my violin are astronomical and that is balanced between trying to get the next show up and running, other work I do, writing new music, finding hosts and artists and promotion, posting and curating content. Each month has original work put into it, which takes time.

My (long-winded) point is that the last few weeks contained events that felt beyond my control. It has been harder than usual to work on 12:12:12, because I am exhausted. I desperately need rest.

It has been a cleansing. A winnowing. I feel as if I have been held in a crucible, and then I chose to stay.

It felt like a test of strength. Take my ease, my stability, my rest, my peace of mind. Put me in hospital for pushing to exhaustion and error, take my right arm for a few days. Take my most prized possession and break it in half, the thing I thought more responsible for the lines in my head that do not stop, even when I sleep. My magic feather, my talisman taken from me, ironically by a framed picture of a motivational cartoon.

Take all of that, and what remains?

Me.

Still moving forward.

I thought at times I would break. I certainly wobbled and teetered along the way, but I am still here. This has tempered me.

I will see this through to the end.

So with that in mind, this next showcase will be stripped back. Myself only, music, candles, withdrawn yet intense. I will spend this month rebuilding and working with a new violin, and allowing myself to rest. I want beats and I want to make music that turns your hands into claws.

I have so many ideas and wants for this, and I feel like I have been making headway. But I don’t know how to ask for help. I don’t know how people can help, because honestly, I’ve been making it up as I go along. It’s certainly a learning, but barely a curve.

Some people have asked about crowdfunding or offered to chip in. I am not ruling out crowdfunding yet, and I massively appreciate the offer, but I want to make sure I’m actually accurately representing the costs of repair.

I am profoundly grateful to everybody around me who has reached out, checked up on me, taken me out for coffee and beers and noodles and hugs and let me cry. To those who offered to help crowdfund, who took the time to check in, offered to lend a violin, offered to front money, sent money (!) offered to be a violin ambulance, who reached out to anybody they knew on my behalf, thank you.

I did not grasp the enormity of the support I had around me up until now. In some ways, I’d be happier with these circumstances and the people around me than the other way around.

I love you all.

VANCORVID